On hearing that Nestlé are moving production of the Blue Riband to Poland (and annihilating 300 British jobs), Aunt Bessie today confirmed; ‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
‘There’s no point in sticking around here’, she said, scornfully. ‘I’m leaving Britain!’
Aunt Bessie is best known for being good at making simple cooking simple again. But she insists; ‘It isn’t as simple as it looks.’
She points out the window towards a huge building that looks like an aircraft hanger. ‘That’s where raw chopped potatoes are dropped, from a height, into jet engines to produce my signature roast potatoes.’
Ms Bessie pauses for a few seconds, admiring – with suppressed pride – the building she describes. ‘Getting a business loan on that place was a nightmare!’
But what about the Yorkshires? After all, Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puddings are the best.
‘It’s always been a fine line between profits and corporate expansion’, says Bessie, ‘so investment in the company and share value is dictated by initiatives that demonstrate a dynamic approach to international markets and how we can exploit available cheap labour. That was – and still is – a factor of the EU. We can get Yorkshire puddings made more cheaply in Poland than anywhere else in the world.’
Aunt Bessie isn’t wrong. According to the BBC – and some other people – leaving the EU is economically worse than if Margaret Thatcher had closed down everything, and then closed everything down.
‘We could never thrive as a business in an independent, isolated, Britain’, says Aunt Bessie, ‘The cost of paying workers here would be slightly above our business plan targets. What’s the point of paying UK workers one percentage rate above the EU average? It makes no economic sense’
She’s right, of course. Why pay British workers more money simply because they’re British? If the average wage in Poland is substantially lower than in the UK, it makes sense to relocate your production to Poland.
‘The door is closing on the UK’, says Bessie, ‘I’m already contemplating moving my Bulgarian chicken stuffing plant to Iceland to cut costs on refrigeration. In the Icelandic summer months I can simply move my production to Antarctica. It really is as easy as that!’